#i need to read the legion books so bad

[ghouly-drool]

frank morrison doodle page that i still adore

[horuslupercal]

ranking the primarchs as boyfriends

Lion: honestly I can't see him dating cause he doesn't like women and Caliban homophobia but let's pretend. he is better than you. you both know this. makes no particular effort to pay attention to you. bad at social cues. will take care of you, kind of. will tell his astartes to guard you in a dangerous situation at least. uncommunicative. 2/10 loveless political marriage

Fulgrim: canonically emotionally tapped out. okay boyfriend in public, does not really interact much in private. RSD.Primarch. decent amount of gifts. might actually catch feelings for you and then pull away even more. 1/10 are you really dating

Perturabo: also RSD.Primarch. it's difficult to make him happy and very easy to upset him. you will end up on life support when he kills you in a fit of rage and then panics about it. if you tell him you like his artsy endeavours he WILL shower you in them so there's that. you cannot fix him. 3/10 more unstable ground than eggshells

Khan: knows what he's about (sexual). writes very pretty letters but this does not quite make up for him being gone all the time. more interested in his friends. emotionally mature primarch. pretty good at interacting with mortals like he respects them. not a guy who's good at (or likes) commitment/being "tied down". 5/10 you should just be fwbs

Leman: well groomed. likes to feed you good food. more interested in his friends than you. braggart. surprisingly good at remembering important things and dates. 6/10 a thoughtful frat boy

Dorn: primarch most likely to indulge in a "shut up" ring. has emotions about you and literally tortures himself about it. claims he's controlled or whatever but he is an emotional time bomb. won't engage in relationship conversations. knows he's better than you. 3/10 dime a dozen in a philosophy class

Konrad: well fuck if he doesn't love you. believes in thought crime and possesses some moral OCD qualities. will trail bits of guts home. might accidentally kill you during a vision. he really does love you. swinging between obsession and apathy very quickly. 2/10 you knew what you were getting into

Sanguinius: afraid of you? (or of hurting you). half the time he has no energy for anything he gets off work (campaign) and lays down on the couch and doesn't answer his texts. impulsive. kind of incapable of turning "off". sad. tries to be sweet. 4/10 is he really interested in you?

Ferrus: throws tantrums. knows he's better than you and his legion knows it too. jokes about your weakness with a little too much regularity for it to feel like a joke. won't fix this if you express being upset about it. 1/10 /fit/ (4chan) regular

Angron: will kill you in his sleep. will cry about it. doesn't really think of himself as a complete person anymore and makes it the problem of everyone around him. doesn't want to date you and ruin you. won't even tell you his newest scheme for glorious combat based suicide. 1/10 he's not in a good place

Roboute: arrogant. busy. "I was a TA for a logic class-". says he's willing to communicate but leaves halfway through because something happened and doesn't pick it back up. will bring you to beautiful cliffside locales and spin you like a movie. 5/10 you are a side project

Mortarion: unwashed. kissing him will poison you. doesn't come to bed on time. appreciates you from a distance but does not pay much attention to you. would be very upset if something happened to you. his legion definitely thinks you're stupid. 1/10 he doesn't you he needs SSRIs

Magnus: knows better than you. horror movie protag's boyfriend who says it's just a joke as he reads the ancient texts from the creepy book. flaunts you around, he's very proud of you. either constantly asking what you want or completely dead to the world distracted in some project. 5/10 he will get you killed

Horus: lovebombing: the primarch. knows what he's about (sexual). more than a little self absorbed. occasionally loses his temper and then is very good about explaining it away until you feel bad. you are spoiled to hell. 4/10 emotionally abusive boyfriend with a magic aura

Lorgar: you are his world. his light. his life. he knows best and you should just do what he says. you will no longer be human but something higher (socially) (literally). gets so invested he lets other things fall to the wayside and it's kind of disastrous. 5/10 at least you're god

Vulkan: trying his best to actually respect you. occasionally fails. means to spend time with you and then gets wrapped up in duties and projects. cuddlemaster. cute relationship gestures. 7/10 your best option

Corvus: won't communicate. ghosts away when things get awkward. really random, overly intense opinions and he will slay you on those hills. busy. hypocrite. 1/10 teenager

Alpharius Omegon: either they're both in on this so they can use you or only one of them is in on this and the other one is plotting your death because this wasn't the plan. 1/10 actively dangerous

[marithlizard]

More thoughts about "Mastermind", etc: 1) When you look at the "most viewed" part of a Youtube video it's almost always a sexy moment. But this time I think we all know _exactly_ what the most viewed moment is. Bryce and Brandon were born for these roles and Sam Haft is a fucking genius.

2) (looks up this Patrick Page guy) No wonder everyone swooned over Hadestown! The vocal talent in these shows is ridiculous.

3) Oh. As @hina-has-no-life pointed out, Blitz isn't being hailed as a hero because he survived the trial. It's because Satan livestreamed the whole thing, being too lazy and contemptuous to even think about editing, and all of Hell has now seen Blitz _successfully_ argue with Satan himself to defend his employees, to speak out for all imp-kind who are just "doing their jobs", and to use his final words to shout defiance at the unfair system. That's gotta be unheard of. It probably won't last, but for the moment, kid Blitzo has achieved his dream. He is the most famous imp ever.

4) We've seen Stolas gleefully tackle a huge pile of paperwork in "Oops". And in "Ghostfuckers", we saw Moxxie despairing over an even bigger pile. Was this all setup for Stolas's new career at IMP? 5) Prediction: It won't be until bedtime the next night that Stolas realizes Blitz doesn't have a bedroom. And he's just too tall for that sofa. He needs his own place, but how could he possibly afford one?

6) Prediction: Loona and Millie will each find a quiet moment to deliver a shovel talk to Stolas. Moxxie will be too busy showing Stolas the ropes and being so relieved to have someone competent to shove the accounting off on. But when Stolas asks in bewilderment how the finances got so bad, Moxxie will point at a downward-trending graph and say "See that? That's when you two broke up." 7) Hope for the future: someday Moxxie, Stolas and Vassago will go see musicals together while Blitz and Millie hang out and shoot pool (and the occasional bystander). Everyone will be happy with this arrangement. 8) Barbie saw that broadcast. So did Cash. So did Paimon. All of them will show up in S3. 9) Wait, Stolas began studying the grimoire to do his job as a young kid. We don't actually know what his job _is_, other than "finding prophecies", but Andrealphus won't have clue one about how to do it. Will he make Via do it for him? Will Paimon show up to tell him he's an incompetent asshat and take it away? Or will Stolas regain his position before it matters? 10) I still want to know about the legions! Is there literally an army division somewhere twiddling its thumbs waiting for a war? Does Stolas mentor officers and run war games? Or is this, like, a metaphorical sort of legions? Eldritch beings summoned from the void? It would be hilarious if Andrealphus visited "his" new legions and it's just three bored shark demons and an imp sitting around reading comic books. 11) I'm throwing my hat in the ring and betting that Stolas and Blitz will be a couple by Sinsmas morning. Of course it would be "sensible" for them to take time to work on their own stuff, but neither of them strikes me as that kind of person. Plus I'm sure Stolas has thought about how brief imp lifespans are compared to his own, and what a dangerous career Blitz has even by demon standards. What use is being sensible if it means giving up the limited time you have with the person you love? Also, I really thought Loona's antagonistic relationship with Moxxie and general feeling of inferiority was being built up as a significant part of her character arc, that she and M&M would have to work things out and come to a position of mutual respect. But "Ghostfuckers" showed them making progress in that direction, without anything needing to be said. That's not a criticism - but it did remind me that a show's creators aren't always going to make the same choices we would, or give things the same weight we would. If Stolitz mostly reaches their happy ending next episode, that doesn't make the story weak or problematic or whatever. It just means Viv and Brandon think they have reached a good place with each other, and it's time for the show to focus on other things for S3.

[acroagoraphobe]

Headcannons for living with Joshua Graham mordern AU?

Oooo.. I already have agood few so ima put em all together!

And a good few new ones too!

Ungodly amount of decorative pillows in his house, all over the couches, on the beds.

Its literally the worst, All the beds have uncomfy decorative comforters.

He doesn't really get out of the house except for church, so he just sits in his room reading most of the time.

Probably goes to book club on the weekends with the church ladies though.

Lots and lots of potted plants. So many potted plants. inside and outside the house.

Does not cook. Since even in a modern AU.. bad history with fires (His last house got burnt down at the last legion cookout.) So you have to cook for him.

He also doesn't have a microwave because he doesn't trust them.

Divorced Dad. Need I say more?

Sits on the porch reading when not at book club, church, or in his room. Sometimes he stares menacingly at passerby.

Pet Gecko he keeps in his room in a gecko tank? enclosure? whatever the hell you call the lizard storage.

You will probably hear him complain passive agressively that the dishes aren't done, yet he also doesn't do them.

Laundry though, that shit is done, dried, ironed, and folded perfectly and put up. As much as he complains about doing laundry he sure likes doing it.

there's so many crosses hung up in his house. (Reminds me of that one thing where a guy's grandma hung up a foam Minecraft sword because she thought it was a cross.)

The king of horrendous, Live laugh love things. Utensil holder, front door sign. DOORMAT.

Will constantly complain about people in the park Larping if he ever does go outside and be grumpy in the park (He used to be a larper, he's just a bitchy old man)

Can't work a computer to save his life. Somehow gets it to blue screen by opening a single tab in google. Do not let him near your computer.

He has a flip phone. No you cannot argue this. And he leaves it in the worst places and he has like the worst ringtone option possible. It's so annoying. Dear god is it annoying.

This man does not own a single pair of non-cargo shorts, or sweatpants. it's either formal or 80's dad. Yes he wears Newbalances.

The wallpaper in his house is like all like floral print and its super ugly but Joshua genuinely really likes it so you don't wanna point it out that it's ugly as fuck. But he knows deep down that its absolutely hideous snd refuses to acknowledge it like how he refuses to acknowledge his mistakes and when he's wrong in an argument and then just silently sits there and says nothing angrily.

The most inconvenient locks are broken. bathroom lock? broken when he bought the house. Bedroom lock? Broke because he slammed the door too hard and then it didn't latch and he slammed it again over snd over and he got more pissed at the door so he punched it really hard.

He gets realllyyyy pissy sometimes. Like i mean hella pissy. Like for no reason either. best to leave him to his own devices.

Just does random lore drops like "I used to be on a bowling team. and once almost killed a man with a bowling ball." then walks off back to his room.

[moodymisty]

So recently I've read the first trilogy of the Heresy for the second time, and I can't get Horus from those particular books out of my head.

He's tired. Annoyed. Worn down. He tries his best to save his faces and as time goes further he fails more and more often.

A Primarch could take a lot. He's a mighty being that is unable to get a burnout just from some paperwork. But he's got the whole paperwork of the Crusade, several millions of ships, billions of people to organize and command. In addition to his and his brothers' legions matters.

Even his Mournival starts to annoy him. In private, he is slowly losing his charm and fatherly demeanour, becoming grumpy and brooding. He only allows Erebus to stay close to him and... to you.

One late night he just walks into your shared rooms and stays silently in the doorway, his arms crossed in his chest. In the dim light coming from the corridor you could've seen the circles under his eyes and the weariness shown on his face. If you weren't asleep.

He could stay like this for a long time, even when the work is yet to be done and with his sons and Erebus waiting for him. Those quiet moments, of which you don't know, keep him at least somewhat sane.

At times like this, Horus feels like he can finally let himself go. He can slide to the floor, leaning against the wall as he just looks at your sleeping form, unwilling to crawl to the bed you two used to share every night so to not disturb your sleep. He doesn't have to be the Warmaster at those moments, he is not even a Primarch — as much as he loves and shows off his titles the amount of work cast onto him because of it makes him wish he was a baseline. He's just Horus, a man in love who allowed himself to have a moment of peace next to his unaware beloved before he comes back to his duty.

One day you wake up when he's like this, sitting next to the bed, only his head rested on the sheets. Maybe it was a bad dream or a sound he involuntarily made, it doesn't matter. You crawl to him quickly, still half-asleep, your voice raspy and your eyes half-lidded, yet you're still worried, almost scared of his uncharacteristic behavior.

"I'm alright, my love," he whispers, as he gently holds your hand in his large one.

But you do not believe him. You're hissing half-joking scolding as you drag him to the bed to you, berating him for his overly responsible behavior and enlightening him that he'll end up passing out in the middle of a battlefield if he doesn't get to know about some work-ethics. It's all jokes, and even the dragging is — if he didn't want to, he wouldn't move — until instead of a laugh, a small sob escapes his lips.

There's a moment when you have to be quick. You have to cup his face, make his teary eyes look at you. You can't let him leave, excusing himself with some dumb reason of being just "too tired".

After that, you both can finally slow down, and the loss of pressure on Horus shoulders, even if it is for just a moment, makes him become a mess.

He complies silently when you gently pull him closer so his head rests on your chest. You feel the violent shudders coming through his mighty frame. You feel your nightdress become wet from the tears, that pour out of his eyes with no sound and no resistance from his side.

Horus breaks — crackles — quietly. Like the sand of a sand castle, he breaks down accompanied by a soft lull of the shore.

You comfort him, and you can't tell how much time you've spent on it. But eventually your gentle touches and soothing words make him close his eyes and fall asleep.

You know he needs this night much more than you do.

awww Horus;;; this so so sad :'(

[nellasbookplanet]

Book recs: sapphic romance for people who like Hannibal and Interwiev with the Vampire, aka fucked up and toxic

Enemies to lovers, lovers to enemies, fucked up power imbalances, manipulations, plain bad people doing bad things - if you like your sapphics a little bit dark check out these books!

Some of these end happily, some tragically, some are more will-they-won’t-they than full on romance, some focus on healing while others focus on Getting Worse, but they’re all very juicy.

For details on the books, continue under the readmore

Feel free to recommend more books in tags and comments!

Othe book rec posts:

Really cool fantasy worldbuilding

Really cool sci-fi worldbuilding

Mermaid books

Vampire books

The Abyss Surrounds Us by Emily Skrutskie

Young Adult. tumblr classic back in the day! A trainer of sea monsters genetically engineered to protect ships from pirates is kidnapped by, you guessed it, pirates, one of whom happens to be very hot.

Escaping Exodus by Nicky Drayden

While my feelings on Escaping Exodus were mixed, it cannot be denied that the dynamic between the two leads and the way they go from childhood best friends to enemies on different sides of a class and power struggle is very delicious. It also features some really cool worldbuilding of living, alien generation spaceships and the human culture that has developed inside them.

The Stars are Legion by Kameron Hurley

This book fucked me up when I read it. It’s weird, it's gross, there’s So Much Viscera, there are literally no men, it has living spaceships and biotech but in the most horrific way imaginable. Had I to categorize it I would call it grimdark military sf. It’s an experience but not necessarily a pleasant one.

The Lumionus Dead by Caitlin Starling

Possibly one of the most unsettling books I've ever read, and definitely the most claustrophobic. Gyre, a caver on an alien planet, ventures into the dark and dangerous underground, guided only by a woman who has no compunctions on using and manipulating Gyre as she sees fit to obtain her secretive goals down in the caves.

The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri

On the less toxic and fucked up side of the spectrum, but still pretty juicy. A princess held captive by her own brother, who wants to see her dead, tries to trick a servant into helping her escape, but with undeniable attraction growing between them and the servant having her own goals things quickly get complicated.

Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir

Listen, if you're on tumblr I probably don't need to explain this book to you. Trust me when I say it's exactly as good as people claim. There are indeed lesbian necromancers in space (quite a few of them, actually), but also incredible worldbuilding that keeps growing with every new installment, interesting political commentary, morally complex characters with fucked up dynamics, and well-thought out plot that keeps you guessing until the last.

They Never Learn by Layne Fargo

Listen, sometimes you just want to read about a vicious bisexual lady professor who murders predatory men and falls for the woman trying to solve her crimes and that's okay.

Fingersmith by Sarah Waters

The source of not one but two movie adaptations, Fingersmith is a story of trickery and manipulation as a young conwoman works to gain the trust of a heiress. I don’t want to say much more because the twists are some of the best parts, but trust that it doesn’t take long for things to get real complicated between them.

The Unbroken by C.L. Clark

Tourraine, who was stolen as a child and trained as a soldier for the empire that conquered her home, is recruited by Luka, the future leader of the conquering country to route out a rebellion. A game of twisted loyalties and attraction is soon to develop.

This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

Again, if you're on tumblr (or twitter, apparently) you have in all likelihood already heard of this one, too. Just like GtN it lives up to all expectations. It features two women on different sides of the titular time war, who starts leaving letters for the other to find as they chase each other through time. A quick read, slightly surreal, and absolutely beautiful, I cannot recommend this enough. Pretty mild on the fucked-up-scale.

House of Hunger by Alexis Henderson

In a world where the rich drink blood to preserve their health, Marion applies to a position as bloodmaid in a notorious noble house far from home. Suddenly showered with luxuries and debauchery, Marion soon gains the interest and favor of Lisavet, countess of the house. A fresh take on the idea of vampires.

Sorrowland by Rivers Solomon

A young pregnant woman flees a cult that left her body strange and changing in terrifying ways. Hidden from the world, she does her best to raise her children while trying to find out the truth of the cult and being pursued by a hunter in a dangerous game of cat and mouse. In no way a romance, but certainly has some fucked up sapphic shit going on.

The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson

After her home was conquered by another land, Baru is determined to join their forces and climb the ladder until she’s in a position to free her people. To prove her loyalty, she’s sent to bring order and quell rebellion in another conqured region. Baru is set to succeed, but also has to struggle with her feelings for Tain Hu, a duchess of this region.

Ice Massacre (Mermaids of Eriana Kwai trilogy) by Tiana Warner

Young Adult. A small island is forced to defend itself against intruding forces of vicious mermaids. As all men trying to fight them get lured in by their siren song, a ship filled with warrior girls is sent instead. However one of them, Meela, had a complicated past with one of the mermaids, which is brought back to life when the two reunite on the battlefield. This one is also available as an ongoing webcomic!

Borderline (The Arcadia Project trilogy) by Mishell Baker

Urban fantasy mystery. Very much of the will-they-won’t-they variety, with a bisexual lead who has a male love interest as well as a female without falling into the typical pitfalls of a love triangle. Plays around with various fucked up power dynamics. A year after a failed suicide attempt that cost her both her legs, Millie is recruited by a secretive organisation that works to control traffic to and from Arcadia, the land of faries. Bear in mind that while the sapphic-ness is present throughout, it has a much smaller presence in book 1 than books 2 and 3.

Bonus AKA I haven't read these yet but they seem really cool

The Hunger by Whitley Strieber

Ancient vampire is on the hunt for a new partner, none of which tend to last long.

Codename Villanelle by Luke Jennings

Precursor of the famous Killing Eve tv series. While I don’t know much of the books, I did enough research to know this: their endings differ.

[hoodlessmads]

Dark Heir spoiler thoughts:

Okay some of these are criticisms but please understand I really liked it! I liked it even more than Dark Rise. I’m just an overdramatic person and need to yell sometimes.

These don’t have any particular order, I’m just freestyling -

Reading Captive Prince years ago (and rereading since) before reading Dark Rise made me have an unfair resentment towards James for being basically the same character as Laurent but not as good and that continued here

Will is the second best character Pacat has ever made after Laurent and book 3 might push him ahead

I loved seeing Will use more and more of his evil powers

The best one being where he possesses anyone with a brand and his eyes turn black and he turns into Legion (maybe shoulda turned that off before trying to appeal to Violet…)

Finding out his mom actually was tying him to bedposts and beating him this whole time somehow shocked me because for some silly reason I believed one of the most unreliable third person subjective narrators ever, Will, that she was a nice lady just doing her best. Anyway I love this revelation because it makes such perfect sense, it’s just, “Oh. Of course.”

Violet and Cyprian are both himbos yet Violet is somehow the only character with a single brain cell left at the end of the book

Cyprian drinking from the cup makes no sense after they had a whole discussion in the first book about how drinking from the cup put the Stewards into the Dark King’s plans and made them his thralls and was the entire reason they died, a massacre which Cyprian experienced viscerally, and then he goes and drinks from the cup anyway and oops surprise Will can in fact enthrall him. Cyprian is able to fight it off but that doesn’t change the complete recklessness and out-of-character-ness of it to me.

Violet/Cyrprian is a good ship

Phillip/Visander is hilarious (in a good way)

Will/James is fine but I wish I was more compelled by them than I actually am. For being the main couple, I don’t feel like their relationship has been given the room it needed to develop organically and instead it feels like we’re falling back on physical attraction and a vague shadow of a past relationship in the old world that we didn’t get to see. It’s hard not to compare to Damen/Laurent which by contrast was developed so painstakingly.

Elizabeth is incredible

Visander sucks, actually

The whole Light kind of sucks. The Stewards, the Sun Kingdom, they were all assholes

People with black-and-white morality are truly terrible, aren’t they? And pretty much everyone is like that except for Will, James, and Violet

Sometimes I felt like that fact was really being hammered in on purpose almost as though to make James murdering like 300 people seem less bad (but it didn’t….)

But I don’t dislike James because he murdered 300 people, I actually love villains and I especially am attached to the idea of everyone being redeemable. But what I don’t like is the book telling me I should like James without giving me a good reason or the book downplaying his actions to make him seem more sympathetic. He can have murdered all the Stewards and still be compelling, we don’t need to diminish what he’s done in order for him to be likable

Also everyone in this book except like, Will and maybe Violet and James is an idiot (and I’ll excuse Elizabeth for only being ten). Someone send these characters to Psych 101, they don’t seem to understand the concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy…

Like obviously if you tell someone they’re evil over and over again for their whole lifetime they will become evil

Theory - I don’t think Violet will turn on Will. I think she’s just shell-shocked. She wasn’t really given a chance to take a stance before James Peter Panned him away. Violet knows exactly what it feels like to be told you are evil because of some past thing, and she knows Will better than any of the other characters. And she knows that morality is not black and white (Tom is her brother). She’ll definitely end up in Will’s corner by the end.

Theory - The line of the Lady and the line of the Dark King are the same bloodline and they split off later. Sarcean’s “cataclysmic night together” with the Lady was mentioned not once but twice. Pacat doesn’t waste lines. The child that the Lady had was Sarcean’s, or at least one of them.

Will better figure out how to destroy that collar quick…before they both get even more traumatized. I think that will be one of his main goals in book 3. Or I hope…otherwise it will be hard to develop the genuine romance

I sure hope Will can also figure out how to expel that shadow from Cyprian before he like… dies. Don’t do that to Violet D:

So, I’m not a huge fan of YA in general (outside of YA anime and manga which for some reason hits different). I used to like it a lot, it used to be most of what I read. I grew up reading series like Redwall, Darren Shan, Demonata, Pendragon, and so on. But I’ve grown out of the genre (I’m 27). Not every adult does - one of my best friends who is a year older than me still really enjoys YA. But because I don’t like YA, I think my enjoyment of Dark Rise/Dark Heir is influenced and my criticisms may be unfair.

But I find that with fantasy series like this, I the books really need to be longer. Or there needs to be more of them. I feel like Dark Rise has so many moving pieces, enough characters that there could be a trading card game (and there are literally collectible cards), so many different magical artifacts and magical powers, an entire magical old world beneath the semi-magical 1820s Europe world to develop, and also by the way a whole story that took place 10,000 years ago that has to be told at some point. I find myself feeling like all these different elements are being introduced and moved on from too fast and I wish they were all given more time to breathe. I think that’s part of why the relationship between Will and James feels a bit rushed to me. I don’t know if the short length of the series was Pacat’s choice or an editor’s, though. I don’t feel like Captive Prince had this issue because there were no supernatural elements, the cast was much smaller, and the plot was comparably simple so a lot of it got to be characters just talking to each other, which was great, and the world building was accomplished mainly through these interactions. The plot and world of Dark Rise is much larger in scope but the page count is the same (a little longer maybe).

So wait who is Mrs. Duval

Why did Ettore leave the Stewards anyway? Other than the obvious, which is that they suck

Where was Grace during the whole ending scene? Wasn’t she there but just not saying anything. As this total calamity befalls her only remaining friend group she finally has seen too much and just nopes out and is busy making tea in the corner or maybe popcorn

I do really like Cyprian btw in spite of thinking his moral code is shitty. Gave Violet a chance but sold Will for one corn chip… I see how it is (okay that’s not fair but you know what I mean, he has flaws)

It sounds like I’m in the majority when I say that I still don’t like Devon - I saw that theory about him being the final big bad and I’m so on that train. I think he’d make a good enough final villain. I agree there is something predatory about him and Tom. I don’t necessarily think Pacat wants us to root for them as a couple, though. There were better ways to pull that off if that was the intent.

Not to repeat myself but Phillip was such a pleasant surprise. Like who is this fruit and how did he get here

So next book, I hope (assume) we get to see the rest of the old world story filled in so we can understand where it all went wrong for Sarcean and also the exact nature of his relationship with Anharion because so far it’s been quite vague (intentionally I assume). Like….. you know….. did he agree to put on the collar?

The tricky thing about this series is that once the reader learns that Will is the Dark King, it’s hard to maintain any sort of external tension. Right? It’s hard to feel afraid of the forces of the Dark when the protagonist has total effortless control over them just by virtue of who he is. Will can literally just be like, “No, don’t” and everything’s fine. He did just this at the end of Dark Rise. I find the way Dark Heir seems to end with their “only hope of stopping the Dark army” destroyed to be pretty unconvincing. Why on earth would Sarcean create a destructible object that is the only way of controlling his own army? Of course Will should be able to control them with his will alone. If he can control Shadow Kings and make them die with his words alone, why didn’t he try yelling at the shadow army to stop trying to possess people? This doesn’t make sense to me. And if people become Returners through his magic, shouldn’t he be able to exert some control over their existence the way he does with the branded? Pacat has done a good enough job at getting us to know Sarcean (an extremely good job btw) so as to make the destroyed brand plot point unbelievable. Anyway…

Instead, the tension in Dark Heir is almost entirely internal or realized in character relationships rather than physical threats. The tension is between Will and himself, and between Will and his friends. (There are tensions between other characters but focusing on the main plot here.) The possibility that they might find out and abandon him, and the possibility that he might actually be as nasty of a guy as Sarcean was, the slim chance that he might learn something that makes him go, “You know what, I agree with my past self after all.”

Now that everyone has found out who he is, that particular source of tension has sort of evaporated, so now in book 3 Pacat has to find a way to make Will’s conflict with himself and his friends compelling enough to carry us through 450 pages (I don’t expect this will be difficult). What I see as the problems now are 1) what was Sarcean actually planning and how did he plan on getting Will (himself) to fall in line with them (this was a question in Dark Heir as well but now it’s bigger), 2) how is Will going to destroy his own (Sarcean’s) Dark artifacts so he can free James, and 3) Can he convince anyone to ever love him (oh no ouch).

If I had to rank these books at this stage I’d probably give Rise a 3.7 ish…. and Heir a 4.2. I’m holding out for Dark King to be a 5 or close. (I don’t know what the actual title will be, I’m just guessing lol.) I definitely think Dark Heir is an improvement over Dark Rise since I always thought the most interesting part of the latter by far was everything that happened once Will learns he is the Dark King at the very end.

“Are we going to talk about the magic pseudo-sex scene—“ No and I hope we never will

[ripplestitchskein]

This is super crackish but I am DELIGHTED. So in Western Energy Andrealphus’s actions indicate that he is playing his sister in order to gain the upper hand for HIM. He is obviously flattering and manipulating her and loses his patience multiple times “You stupid cow”, which shows through the cracks of what he is saying and his fake demeanor.

This could be just a weird brother and sister dynamic, he genuinely wants to get the money for Stella and she’s just stupid so he loses his patience but why go through this subterfuge and the song and dance of walking her through it to make to seem like her idea? I’ve always found the dynamic odd, why not just tell her flat out “You can’t kill him we need his money, if he dies it goes to Via.” Why coo and simper and put on a whole performance?

That reasoning also falls flat for me. Stella and Via do not appear to have a bad relationship, Via is often with her and Stella takes her on weekends. If Stolas died and Via inherited why would they assume she’d cast Stella out? Why does Stella need to inherit directly? She doesn’t have control of the money and power now. She never has. She just has access to it. Which she still could. What’s the difference? Wouldn’t a grieving, untrained, teenage daughter be easier to manipulate into giving up the money, power and legions than leaving Stolas alive and having to do some convoluted plan in a nebulous future involving an already powerful demon? Like bad planning Andrealphus, think it through.

Also, what does he even need this money and power FOR? He has a palace of his own. He has powers of his own. I assume legions of his own. He doesn’t appear to be hurting for money in his own right. For Stella’s sake? He seems to kinda dislike her? He certainly doesn’t respect her. He clearly thinks she’s an idiot. He’s obviously manipulating her and leading her towards something. So what is he trying to get that he doesn’t already have?

And why NOW? Why wait until after Stolas is trying to get a divorce? Like if he truly is doing it for her sake it makes sense it wouldn’t come up until her position was at risk. He might very well be doing this out of love for her.

Like the serious side of me knows there’s probably a larger plan at work on Andrealphus’s part than has been revealed and it’s entirely greedy and will be shown to us in Mastermind and Sinsmas, I also have some ideas for how Mammon/Oz/Fizz will tie that all together but today I was watching Western Energy and my insane brain was like “What if Vassago is a misdirect and Andrealphus is Stolas’s romantic fairytale lead?”

HEAR ME OUT. IT’S SO FUNNY

We have no other indication about what Andrealphus is like other than Stolas saying “Your arrogant brother”. That is our first description of him. That is a hugely popular romance novel trope. How many arrogant love interests exist in the romance space, like a billion? Think about how often a posh aristocrat has called their love interest “arrogant”. And the entire plot of one MC having to marry the brother of another. Like that’s peak romance novel.

What made me think of this is that when Andrealphus is talking to Stella his manipulations are solely about keeping Stolas alive. That is his entire stated goal. He elaborates with “Eternity is a long time my dear” and he sounds fascinated that Stolas is behaving this way. Like Andrealphus has an opportunity for something now. I was just like “In a different context this would read like Andrealphus manipulating her into keeping Stolas alive to save his life. Like technically Andrealphus saved Stolas this episode. That’s interesting.”

And then my brain snagged on the cover of the romance book, it being two avian demons and of course the trailer where we don’t see Stella coming for Stola and Blitz but Andrealphus.

And like if all this was happening because Andrealphus has been secretly in love with Stolas this whole time and found out she hired Striker the first time time so has been trying to keep him alive and get Stella settled and happy and out of the way so he can be with him? Like obviously Stolas would have no idea, but Andrealphus pining for him and doing all these things he doesn’t need to do since he’s already rich and powerful would make much more sense. In the short term, like I said they’ll prob reveal something about his actual motivations soon. But looking at where we are right this second that is not incredibly outlandish. It would take like a few flashbacks to sell that and make it work with the current plot.

Andrealphus making his case and Stolas being like “But I love Blitz” would even lead into a really interesting start to the class conflict. Andrealphus can’t believe an imp could be better than him, would be preferred over HIM a royal, and instead of doing what a romantic hero with that plot should do he goes villainous and tries to kill them. Like what an interesting thing for Stolas, to have the cliche romantic hero moment he wanted BECAUSE of a twisted cliche romantic plot line? And Andrealphus’s twisted romance begins a larger divide between imps and Ars Goetia in S3.

Like isn’t that wild? Wouldn’t that be amazing?

[thecomicsnexus]

SWAMP THING #69-75

FEB - AUG 1988 By Rick Veitch , Brett Ewins, Alfredo Alcala, Tatjana Wood, John Costanza, Dave McKean, Tom Yeates, John Totleben, and Mike Kaluta.

After refusing to destroy his successor, Swamp Thing accidentally puts his world at risk. Now with the help of John Constantine, he will need to find a new soul for the sprout, and finally retire to live with Abby.

SCORE: 9

The only thing stopping this review from being a 10 is the very complex lore that is starting to make the book very dense. Especially if you come back to the back after a long break. And it's not just the lore, it's also how long these stories are running.

In any case, reading these issues was very refreshing. It was back when stories, no matter how serialized they were, still had a good sense of pacing. And Rick Veitch made sure to give you something back for your money every month.

To me the best episode of this batch was the one with the plane accidents. Looking for a successor for Swampy, John Constantine does all kinds of risky things, just to be able to single out a person who was about to die who was somewhat related to Alec Holland.

But this Gary Holland immediately realizes he is about to die, and every single moment of his last day is plagues with bad omens. Still, John has no other choice but to get in the plane that was about to crash, just to save the world. John survives the plane crash, but then find out that Swampy found the souls of the plane crash and helped move on to the afterlife (he was unaware of John's plan). It was so dark and funny, that it really reminded me of Vertigo comics (or perhaps the average Alan Grant story).

The next episode had also a very creative narrative device. With the panel orientation being taken over by the line of captions, making every page with the character, technically a maze.

These are all very thought-provoking stories with a lot of poetry in the art itself.

But I have to repeat myself here. The great moments were possible thanks to the super long arc, which doesn't even end with issue #75. However, I felt it was the right time to finish the binge. I already knew that Abby was going to try to be a mother, so it didn't come as a surprise.

And here's another thing that's going to make this story even longer. It will crossover with Hellblazer. And I am not sure how much it will matter for the book, but Invasion will also tie in with this book.

Nevertheless, I'll take that small flaw (same problem the Legion books always have), in favor of stories like these.

[ghostinthegallery]

A Necron Reading Guide

For anyone who wants to experience the wonders of Warhammer 40K's incredibly dramatic undead robots from space, here are basically all the published books/stories, ranked into tiers:

Must Read:

The Infinite & The Divine- You've already read this one. If not, your friends and family and the whole internet have recommended it to you. Go read it. A skeleton robot archaeologist throat-punches a dinosaur in like...chapter 2. This is worth your time.

Twice Dead King: Ruin & Reign- duology, so read both books. Wonderfully tragic, all the epic Greek poetry vibes, necrons who need therapy but will never get it. Bring tissues.

Severed- Somehow the most wholesome relationship in all of 40K, plus some fun lore, but mostly we are here for feelings. Also bring tissues but for happy tears this time.

Once you are done and need more (aka the good short stories):

War in the Museum- More of Trazyn being Trazyn, what more can you want?

The Bleeding Stars- See above.

The Word of the Silent King- Szarekh is a weird dude, but it's definitely fun watching him screw with some space marines

Once you really need a fix and realize there's basically nothing else:

The Lords of Borsis- fun scheming political short story, but it misses some of the little touches that make a necron story feel like necrons to me. Not the author's fault, pretty sure at that point GW didn't know the necrons' lore either.

The Devourer- decent little novella featuring Anrakyr the Traveler, but he has to share a lot of page time with some random Blood Angels and a cryptek who does not matter. Not the most compelling of the bunch, but there are worse ways to spend an afternoon.

Don't bother even once your get desperate:

The Everliving Legion- short story anthology. Has Word of the Silent King and Lords of Borsis, so you can get it for those, but the rest of the stories are just humans fighting necrons or being scared of necrons and that is not really what I'm after. Let my necron books be about necrons pls.

Indomitus- don't. Just don't. The book is bad, even by GW standards. They will never explain what the Pariah Nexus thing was about and I have given up hope of ever getting answers.

[immasock]

Hello.... I just came back from church and I will worship demons again. Anyway, I just came into mind to Nephalem! Mc, (I love really OP MC) and I was forced to read the bible and another version that's the reason I've come to this conclusion. So like it's between Belith (the most powerful demon king who owns 85(?) demon legions) and Seraphina (the female version of the six winged seraphim) they do the nasty and boom demonangel baby whose raised in an human orphanage because God forbids and Bebelith's (uwu) kingdom opposed. And the child somehow almost terrorizes the entire human race without exposing themselves. Imagine those reactions from the bros + dateables hekhek. I really love the bible sometimes you know...

It’s been too long but my god I’m excited to do this one. I always love your ideas

Nephalem!MC + The Obey me boys

Pronouns: They/Them

The chaos

MC grew up as an orphan, going in and out of foster homes and different adoptive parents. It never lasted though. No one knew why. The kid seemed nice enough, if not a little quiet

Some say it was because they were too quiet. They never talked or bonded with the families. Others say that it was because the other families kept having kids of their own and decided they didn’t need MC anymore

But the real reason? The real reason was because they were actually a little terror

They would start out seeming innocent, sure, but that was all a part of their plan

After about a week though? They would start causing all sorts of chaos.

When MC got sent down to the Devildom, they thought it would be the same thing. They’d be there for maybe a month and then be sent back. But no, that’s not quite what happened

Lucifer:

When MC first came through the portal, he wasn’t quite sure what to make of them

He knew that something wasn’t quite right about them but that would have to be an issue for later

He has things to do

He assigned Mammon to deal with them while he went back to his office to check this “humans” file

Except wait

No

They are, in fact, not a human

Well fuck

This didn’t go like he planned

He immediately tells Diavolo, thinking he’d want to send MC back and get a new exchange student

But no

He wants to keep them

Of course 😑

Lucifer can’t do much else besides just proceed as normal, he supposes

But he does keep an eye on the kid

It’s bad enough that he’s got to be responsible for a child, but a Nephalem?

He’s going to be grey by the time the exchange program is over

Mammon:

He genuinely has no clue

I love him but he doesn’t have the faintest idea

MC walks through that portal and he just assumes they’re just some human

Honestly, he won’t figure it out unless he’s told or if he catches them doing something

Even then, he might just assume they’ve been hanging around Solomon too much

He is, however, a great target for MCs chaos

He’s constantly being messed with

His things go missing, only to show up in random places

Grimm will appear and disappear in front of him

You get the gist

He’s easy to mess with

Which is why MC likes to hang around him

But he doesn’t mind too much

Once he warms up to them at least

He enjoys the company

Leviathan:

He also doesn’t know

But it’s mostly just because he doesn’t care

He’s focused on his games and anime

I get the feeling that he would be all over it if he found out though

Like he would think that it’s super cool

He could absolutely figure it out if he decided to dedicate the brain power to it

But he’s got other things to worry about

He’s also pretty easy to mess with

But be careful

He’s not just gonna get over it quickly like Mammon does

While MC could probably take Levi, I wouldn’t recommend it

Maybe avoid doing anything to his collections

Satan:

He figures it out pretty quickly

He’s a smart demon

MC absolutely fascinates him

He spends a bunch of his free time studying them

Trying to figure out anything and everything he can about them

Well

Until MC decides to be a little shit

Books start going missing and showing back up with writing on the pages

His feather boa is nowhere to be found (Though Mammon and Asmodeus aren’t complaining about that one)

At one point, Satan got turned into a cat for a few hours

Okay he didn’t mind that one all that much but still

It’s about the principle

It’s not smart to mess with him either but oh well

Asmodeus:

Every time I do a child!mc, I say the same thing

He absolutely adores them

He thinks they’re adorable and he can’t wait to dress them up

Maybe not this one tho

He still thinks they’re cute and wants to do little fashion shows with them, but it’s not really going to go how he planned

It’s crazy

Makeup isn’t the right color and the clothes keep changing into other clothes

How weird

In reality, MC just doesn’t like being dressed up so they have to make it fun for themselves somehow

I don’t have much to say for Asmo

Except that he’s gonna be a bit of a good sport when it comes to the chaos that is MC

Beelzebub:

Honestly

He also does not notice that there’s something off about the “human”

He’s gonna be easy to mess with as well

But do be careful

Stay away from his food

We’ve all seen the rampages he goes on when someone touches his food

I think that he would just assume that MC is this fragile little child and so he’d try to protect them

But he’s in for a surprise the first time that someone tries to mess with them

You can imagine that he’s speechless when he sees MC, this small child, absolutely demolish some demon

Doesn’t have to be physically

They could verbally destroy some random demon trying to mess with them as well

Either way, he wasn’t expecting it

Belphegor:

Honestly, this could go either way

I don’t think he’d be able to tell right away

Which is where lesson 16 would come in

But I think that, based on how this MC would react, he’d figure out that something isn’t quite right after that

Like

There’s no way in hell this is some normal human, right?

Not after all that

Once he figures it out, he’d be pretty indifferent

He’d be put at ease that there isn’t a human staying with them

And he’d be more than happy to help them cause chaos

Especially if it’s directed towards Lucifer

Somehow tho

I don’t think he’d be that easy to fuck with

I feel like he’d be unbothered by anything they could do to him

Well

Mostly

Diavolo:

Once again, absolutely loves them

Even before he finds out

Which doesn’t take that long

Obviously

Since Lucifer found out and told him

I feel like he would be 100% on board with any mischief that they cause

Having to do all his princely duties all the time is so boring

He enjoys the entertainment

He would probably also be enamored with them

Wanting to see all that they can do

I dunno I wasn’t able to fall asleep last night so my brain isn’t very creative

He would try and involve them and what they can do in things and events

Most likely

He’s just excited

Barbatos:

He knew first

He just didn’t tell anyone

Because why would he?

I swear, this man lives for drama

He would never admit it but it’s true

Anyways

He doesn’t care either

As long as MC doesn’t cause problems

Which they absolutely will

I feel like his attitude towards MC would be similar to what it is with Dia and Luke

Just another child to look after

He’s fond of them tho

Don’t let him tell you otherwise

Simeon:

I don’t have much to say about him

He might be able to tell

Or he might not

If he does, he definitely does that thing he does where he doesn’t outright say he knows, but he drops hints

Like

He might make a passing comment about how MC is similar to some of the angels he knows

And then a day later say how they remind him of one of the brothers

He would definitely wait for MC to outright tell him tho to actually say anything

He’s respectful like that

Solomon:

He knows

Maybe not right away but pretty early on

He’s also absolutely fascinated

He wants to do so many tests on them

Surely they react differently to his potions and spells, no?

Maybe they’ll love his cooking like the rest of them

That’s what he thinks at least

Or not

It’s been a while since I’ve played but I wouldn’t be surprised if he knew no one liked his cooking but he kept doing it just to take the piss

He’s such an asshole and I love him

[nosafeharbour]

Encyclopedia Eorzea III: Werlyt thoughts

How is this the second Werlyt thoughts/reactions post I've written in 2023. The Sorrow of Werlyt ended over 2 years ago

This is literally just Werlyt (so also Gaius and Raen) musings, I'll actually finish reading the rest of the book later...

It's beautiful. I've looked at this for 24 hours now

Holy shit, all this Werlyt lore… Gaius was viceroy of Werlyt for TWENTY YEARS?? In-game it sounded like he led the invasion during the epidemic 10 years ago, when you see him adopt the Raen kids, but otherwise wasn’t too deeply involved... but it was under Garlean control since the very start of the Empire? Gaius came into the picture midway through, after it briefly rebelled.

"A young Gaius van Baelsar" capturing Werlyt when he was 30... I guess him being legatus in his thirties makes complete sense with the timeframe of Ala Mhigo, but having it spelled out so plainly… wow

Thinking about the memory of Gaius in the Emerald Weapon trial being a 30 year old is so funny. You jumped-up little shit

It’s hard to pin down dates because everything is measured in years after Werlyt was taken, without it ever giving a starting date, but you can work backwards… the rebellion 30 years post conquering + 20 years of Gaius as viceroy + 5 years before ARR when Gaius begins advance on Eorzea in 1.0 = 55 years ago. The Empire is also 55 years old, which lines up:

Between 55 and 455 years ago: Werlyt is founded (happens after Gyr Abania is unified, but Werlyt is still described as “newly formed” when it was conquered, so definitely closer on the scale to 55)

55 years ago: Werlyt falls under the Empire

25 years ago: While the Empire is stretched thin conquering the Far East, the Werlytians stage a revolt and retake the province. Gaius comes in to quell it, and becomes viceroy after the previous one is killed (Gaius is 31 yrs old) (This is also the year Doma is conquered, so that also lines up)

20 years ago: Ala Mhigo is conquered, Gaius is also made viceroy there

15 years ago: Gaius’s fuckup at the Battle of Silvertear, and when he starts to lose favour in Garlemald

10 years ago: The epidemic, when the Raen kids are orphaned

5 years ago: Gaius leaves for the invasion of Eorzea (1.0), which eventually leaves Valens as viceroy after the events at the Praetorium

Did the epidemic happen under his watch? The flashback of him first reaching out to Allie and Alfonse makes sense to be 10 years ago, but the energy of that scene was very much “arriving to a situation” and not that… it was already under his jurisdiction…

I don’t know how I feel about the change of context here, at least in my understanding of it. It honestly feels a bit of a shock that Werlyt has been under the Empire for 50 years? They never stated any specific years, but I always read it as a decade or so? Long enough for it to become their new lives, short enough that people still remember life before. Gaius coming in to “save” Werlyt from the epidemic by way of conquering it was this mixed bag that ultimately did build towards his character thesis of “good intentions stuck in a bad system”. To think the epidemic technically happened under his watch is new and strange, I dunno. I need to replay it with this in mind to see if it checks out

Especially with that one post-Emerald scene where Gaius is all “Things were shit in MY legion? But I ran a tight ship” lmao… I know a lot of people take the piss out of that scene thinking that he was only discovering racism for the first time in his life (he literally has scenes in ARR about stamping out discrimination in his Legion), but I always read it as his ego meaning he believed that his influence and word over his Legion was immovable, that nobody would behave that way because he told them not to. It complements his view that he always thought he was doing good, but not yet having had the blinders of being a cog in the fascist system removed. These things will always still happen. It would be good to see that scene again, with all this context of the epidemic happening during his time as viceroy... If the times are all correct, I feel like him being stretched thin between Ala Mhigo and Werlyt is a part of this

The “all the good Gaius had achieved” line in regards to him building up Werlyt as viceroy makes me wince, while I do like engaging with Gaius having good intentions, just talking about all the good he did and not the fact it was still a conquered territory + the epidemic? Even I’m balking at that, and I’m a Gaius enjoyer. Slow down here. I’m looking at the artwork of destroyed Werlyt from when he re-conquered it right below this paragraph LOL

The Raen of Werlyt migrating there directly from Corvos, to the point that their religion and food is still Corvosi-inspired... seeing it spelled out so plainly after this incredibly fleeting and brief image from FanFest... wow. I get to feel even more insane over Corvos, now

Really curious about the timeframes, still. If Raen only arrived in Werlyt a little over 50 years ago, in one fell swoop they have turned Albi's Welytian grandmother into a Corvosi grandmother

Werlyt religion being polytheistic, seemingly a fusion of the Twelve and Corvosi religion… I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT CORVOS…

I love the kind of demographics you get from these books:

Werlyt currently undergoing negotiations with Ul’dah for ceruleum, so they can continue mining… Gaius overseeing said negotiations in Ul’dah, Ul’dah is Albi’s turf... Thinking about them in Ul’dah together. It’s actually so fun thinking about Gaius visiting so many Eorzean city states as an envoy. He’s helping, but also he’s keeping his god damn head down (or in a chicken suit)

Werlyt’s main food being stewed dishes is just another thing that lines up with what I imagined, mostly just because it’s what I figured Albi and Gaius would eat a lot (both from cold places, they both know how to cook simple stuff but aren’t master culinarians)

Cheese being a major export to Garlemald, and there being a major cheese presence in Garlemald already (via Ovibos milk, so native to Garlemald itself and not all imported)... cheese lore

There’s way too much dairy talk in here, “dairy enthusiasts” pleeeeasseeee stop making my favourite place like this when I’m lactose intolerent

After The Sorrow of Werlyt says that Terncliff is too high above the ocean to fish, but then Tataru’s Grand Endeavour had orphans collecting seashells, I was so confused on whether or not Werlyt has beaches or not. I’m glad they clarified that there are a few harbours amongst the cliffs.

All of this geography and agriculture lore is neat just in that it’s showing that Werlyt is really quite big. You never really get a full sense of scale in-game, between Terncliff and what we see of the main Werlyt town (?) during Emerald trial/post-Diamond

We have three Werlytian surnames – Hunte, Souther, and Horne!

Severa Souther and Valdeaulin Ganathain… I care them. Severa is only 23, bless her heart. Valdeaulin being 48 is just exactly what I’d assumed/hoped.

The leader of the interim government is Talbot Hunte. Have we seen him..? I’m picturing the Revolutionary Commander in my mind when I read that, but I don't think he was ever named

All of these Werlytian names (surnames, and Hyur first names) have a Germanic feel, while Severa and the Raen kids have Latin-based names. The Raen in Werlyt originate from Corvos, so I am hoping it’s because they are sticking to Corvos being the root of the Latin-based Garlean language, as it should be? Severa had a Garlean parent? Hmm

Bereft at the casual mention of “the bravery of the Baelsars and the Warrior of Light”… THE BAELSARS

Kind of sad they straight-coded Milisandia by giving her a crush on Alfonse. That lizard was one of the gay ones :/

I think Gaius is possibly the first character to get a second Encyclopedia Eorzea entry. I was hoping he would, but had low expectations bc they've never given any other recurring characters new entries... but they did this, for me

“... and though his quest for vengeance would claim the masks of Altima and Deudalaphon, the hunt for Ascians was quickly set aside when he learned of the Empire’s plans to produce the noxious weapon Black Rose” – Black Rose is important and thematic, but seeing the Ascian plot dropped so abruptly even in this book is breaking my heart all over again LMAO

So extremely cool that there are 6 pages just about the Ultima Weapons!! Including the Allagan iterations, the original ARR project, and the second project during Werlyt

I do like the line “According to the testimony of Gaius Baelsar…” in the section about the Ultima Weapon, about how Lahabrea guided them to it. Gaius sat and gave testimony to the Alliance about a lot of things, huh!

I also like the confirmation that Proto-Ultima is the last iteration the Allagans made, and that all the visuals of the Ultima Weapon are magitek and Garlean-made. It’s hard to tell, since the earlier Ultima Warrior has them too, but the fact that Ultima Weapon’s horns look like Gaius’s helmet means it was done on purpose… kinda moe. Nero trying to impress his legatus

Interesting that the Heart of Sabik is mentioned so clearly, and that Valens knew he couldn’t recreate it… but still acquired a piece of Ivalician auracite to base the Oversoul system on. Reading this all post-Pandaemonium is enlightening

Seems that the “third eye” looking chestpiece on the cuirass of legatus armour is the synthetic auracite they used for the same purpose as soul crystals! Having a visual on that is neat

Another extremely obvious hint that Nero made the second (red) G-Savior, which only makes Gaius not finding out he was still alive until Tataru’s Grand Endeavour so funny/weird. Nero literally must have been in Werlyt!! The Ironworks were talking about him constantly! Gaius, are you stupid! (yeah)

[jac-is-procrastinating-again]

Guys. We need to talk about THAT KISS and Jane Austen.

No, we do - bear with me.

"If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more." (Mr Knightley, hero of Emma by Jane Austen)

So. That Kiss. It's SOOOO messed up, yeah? And Az's expression in the lift veers all over the place, and it's really complex. But WTAF is going on there?

I just had a bit of an epiphany that i thought you might like to share.

So; consider the context.

Aziraphale knows Crowley loves him, yeah? He can FEEL when things are loved (like Tadfield). He considers himself C's partner for life (see that glorious little eyebrow raise when Shax tells him he's not C's type). But he kinda knows that C hasn't quantified it yet, so he does all the things he can to make C think about him as a romantic partner.

He dresses up with some care and puts himself in danger (see how pretty he looks in the French Revolution), then basically arranges himself in a ray of sunlight in picturesque chains till C turns up because he knows how happy it makes C to rescue him (and by the joy on his little face, that's a two way street).

He does nice things for him (where do you think C got the book with all the pics including Alpha Centauri from in S1? He doesn't read books).

He's got all these jolly japes and escapades that he initiates either to bring C joy or to get his attention or whatever. And every damn time C just fails to even consider that there's anything to it other than some sort of accidental humour.

Az doesn't stop there. He does the touchy-feely thing (you almost expect him to say "La, sir!" and hit him with a fan coquettishly) (off topic, I would give actual genuine money to see a C17th genderswapped Az try this). He does every damn thing he can think of to get C to really *see* him...

BUT

HIS DATING MANUAL IS JANE AUSTEN

Bless his angelic cotton socks.

Now in some ways this works quite well. Often the protag's journey in JA culminates in the realisation that though they thought they were unworthy of love, that they actually aren't. Then they get together and it's a whole happy ending.

To Az, this would be absolutely spot on - it would speak to his very heart, yeah?? The "bad" demon who isn't bad would end up with the "good" angel, all's well with the world. They often cock up the first attempt at a proposal, so the fact that it didn't work at the end of S1 is fine because Az is trying to trigger a proposal in S2 with the ball and helping the girls like Emma tries to help Harriet in JA (only thankfully, with better results thanks to a legion of demons).

Az LOVES C, and he knows C loves him but kinda hasn't realised what that means, and he's going all out to find actual romantic love.

BUT let's face it, Az is a total innocent. He'd never read erotica in a month of Sundays, just in case that counts as impure thoughts or something. so the SUM TOTAL of what he knows about how love works, what love is AND CAN BE.... is what's in Jane Austen.

You know what ISN'T in any Jane Austen novel??

Kisses. Yep, you read that right - according to JSTOR (website where academic researchers post stuff) there are ZERO kisses in JA.

There is maybe possibly the implication that someone was kissing before the scene begins in one book, and in Emma there is a shocking and outrageous moment when Mr Elton grabs her hand when proposing (at the time this would have been physically so overfamiliar as to be almost indecent.)

And this is Az's playbook, bless him.

So how does that alter thing?

As far as he's concerned, grabbing C for a dance is the most forward thing he could have done--just look at his face in the moments before, and the whole thing about how his whole hand is intertwined with C, whereas he barely touches the fingertips of the others when dancing (JA etiquette again).

Crowley on the other hand, has been hanging out next to a striptease club in the 70s, and in all sorts of clubs. He's probably a bit Az-centric to have bothered with any shaggery but he has an interested mind and I can absolutely see him reading erotica and chuckling at the lengths humans will go to in search of pleasure. But it wouldn't occur to him that love and sex are that linked, probably, or if it did, only for humans.

So when he gets a talking to by Nina and Maggie, you see Crowley.exe stop working as he starts realising that the whole concept of ROMANTIC LOVE might be applicable to the feeling between himself and Az...

He's absolutely flabbergasted. And then thoughtful. Then a little bit quiet and tentative and it's all set up to be the most beautiful, tender exploration of what could exist between them.... (yeah, thanks for that, Neil).

Then in comes the Metatron like a wrecking ball, and deftly fucks them up.

His proposal is designed to split them apart (which it does) and because he gets in first, that leaves Crowley desperate. He knows that his chance has been lost, so he grabs Az in one horrible, desperate, brutal kiss.

And Az DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT KISSES.

Az is thinking in terms of a picnic on Box Hill (he tentatively suggests a future picnic when he gives C the holy water in the 70s actually). He thinks it will be a series of lengthy but delicate conversations about how C was perhaps a little too emphatic last time. He's ticked the boxes; there's been the dance, there's been "la sir" and all that malarkey.

He's a little vague on what a proposal actually is if it isn't in a letter (another of JA's irritating habits is to skate over the vital moment) but he thinks that maybe with a little careful curation, he can bring them to this point of happy understanding.

And then, what he gets is THAT KISS.

he doesn't have a fucking clue what it is or what it means, guys, not at first, and he's so SO shocked

He knows how much C loves him; he was expecting/ wanting gentle togetherness (unspecified)but what he got was angry desperation and he doesn't know what to do with that.

Remember in S1 when Crowley goes nose to nose with him in the not-kiss ("I AM NOT NICE!!")? Look at his face when Sister Mary turns up and they don't immediately move. He isn't at all frightened - he does his coy face. Then he spends the next five minutes straightening his clothes, apparently unmoved, and as if he actually rather enjoyed it.

This time he does look scared. He trusts C implicitly but the emotional intensity of the kiss just overloads him totally and so he automatically goes into "i forgive you" mode and it all goes downhill from there. The hand to his lips is part "WTAF was that???" and maybe a little realisation that if it hadn't shocked him so much he might have been open to doing something of the sort again. But he's absolutely floored.

The slightly heartbreaking addition to this is that they both hang around so they can sort it out after the initial shock, but Metatron is wise to that and whisks Az away before he can catch his breath.

Crowley knows how badly he messed up, and he's probably a bit freaked out as well. But when we see Az in the lift, trying not to cry and looking stunned, there's a moment where he suddenly looks deliriously happy. For my money, that's where he realises that the bits Jane Austen left out were probably along these lines, and that Crowley just left out the niceties and cut to the chase (and isn't that so like Crowley??)

And then he has that look of incredulous euphoria he tries to hide from Metatron, as he realises that Crowley wants to kiss him. And that (perhaps in a gentler, kinder way) that he wants to be kissed with that much passion again.

He's just had his whole life handed to him on a plate and simultaneously taken away in the same moment. Yeah, there's stuff he has to do and complications along the way, but God help us when these two get back together. If their love doesn't save the actual universe, I'm gonna be really surprised.

There's a great line at the end of Princess Bride that keeps running through my brain. "“Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.”

How do you one-up that? Not with THAT kiss, certainly, it was nothing of the sort. The NEXT one though... oh my God. It'll be so good that we're starting to melt now from three years in the past.

I guess we'll find out in a couple of years time in any case- but for now, that's what I'm choosing to look forward to.

:)

[radioactive-earthshine]

How?

I spent re-reading this arc watching very, very closely to determine how and WHEN Iris suddenly became a reliable source for future information because I could not recall any specific moment (like her finding her future book and reading it) to pinpoint this.

When she and Bart first show up, she's pretty firm about not actually knowing much and the 30th century's records are pretty bad - we know more about the Viking era today than they do about year 1995 due to the immense amounts of wars and cataclysms that separate the centuries. All the heroes are like the Arthurian Legend, they have names and approximations and even locations, but not many good details of WHAT because they are more legends at that time. There are some details that did survive but it's very spotty.

The Flash (1987) #95

If Bart knows all about Wally's career, then it would make sense that he too is a reliable source of information and yet... he really does not know anything because if he did he would know about the events to follow.

Also, as a point of reference the incident Bart is talking about has already happened.

So Iris is convinced at the this time her future knowledge is not reliable, she doesn't know anything about anyone and then, suddenly, inexplicably, for no reason at all...

The Flash (1987) #101

... she knows everyone's histories.

She knows about Thad, a victim himself, who will terrorize Bart and lead to this death. She knows about Carol, a 15 year old girl, who will be terrorized in the future with Bart's mother, she knows about how Max will be consumed by the Speed Force, leaving Bart to have to uproot everything to live with Jay and Joan, she knows literally everything which would be fine except...

.... If she already knew everything then why did she not know that Bart wasn't dead in the first place in the future? Why did she come in to Wally's life and lead him to think he had to raise Bart if she knew he would need to be raised by Max all along?

Her reasons for isolating herself is to prevent the future from changing but at this point in time, right here, right now, it has already been changed because of Zero Hour so there is no reason at all to have this be a plot point. The future she and Bart left has been changed. It is a plot hole even Geoff Johns remarked on which made Jenni's existence in the PZH Legion team questionable (he attempted to fix it but meh it didn't work either).

At the end of the day this is likely just comic writing getting extremely capricious and even Mark Waid was not immune to sudden erroneous retcons and just winging it in order to make something make sense. He likely just wanted Bart to be raised by Max, and knew that people would question WHY Bart was living with Max if Iris was right there so he had to remove her somehow that wasn't just up and killing her. Which would have made more sense but is also a dick move and we don't need more dead women.

Unless it explains sometime later in this comic how she suddenly knows this just comes out of nowhere and doesn't work.

[laststandx3]

personally my main problem with s2 of good omens is that the story is plot driven and not character driven. And this is the main obstacle for me because it makes the characters complete different people from s1 and makes all of them look stupid. s1 you had armageddon, one angel and one demon who made everything in their power to stop it and a lot of secondary characters had agency. s2 had gabriel who had to be a secret but then when he was discovered there were non consequences. Azi could defeat the demons. and the angels were looking for him just to fire him better. there was no need to hide him in the first place and there have been no measures azi and crow took to solve gabriel's situation. I think what was most annoying was the story setting up stakes just for then completely forget about them. it's like hearing ben&ben saying dany kinda forgot about the iron fleet allover again. if you want to write a low stakes season it's ok, especially bc go s1 had a good base of humor and lightheartedness they could appeal to. you don't want them to stop the apocalypse EVERY time (only tua can and they made it funny)

people would have LOVED a low stakes season watching azi and crow meet-cutes in every era or their day to day life even. and watching gabriel and belzebub plotting another armageddon and falling in love while doing it. it would have been fine without the threat of being erased from the book of life, without the threat of the legion of demons outside, without the threat of what angels might do to azi if they discovered he was hiding gabriel. because guess what there have been no consequences for anything that the characters were doing. the legion was defeated in one minute. the angels didn't do anything to azi. nor to gabriel. not even to belzebub. and the book of life had been forgotten. but also and i was never a big azi fan, but they made him so fucking stupid this season. crowley's only personality trait was that he wasn't impressed in anything.

back in 2019 i was an ineffable bureaucracy truther, and i'm happy they took this route. i'm a bit less happy gabriel and belzebub had 3 scenes (very cute ok) but also very hollow. they really leave it to the audience to develop their relationship. their relationship which, if you mind for a moment to read the ship's name contains the word bureaucracy in it. bc they both didn't care about humans and earth they wanted to move on with their job. that was what they had in common that made them have chemistry in that one scene they had together in s1. they had in common that they cared about their positions. it seems to me like someone who didn't see the hate-colleague-situationship g&b had took their characters and smashed them together and since they didn't get the appeal in a relationship that wasn't complete devotion to the point of erasing oneself, they erased the characters into empty shells of what they were.

i'm sorry, when i started watching it i thought why are people on tumblr complaining it feels like fanfic? it surely won't be THAT bad. but it was. it was a bunch of tropes stitched together to give the audience lots of moments that feel like they meant something but when you see the complete picture they don't fit and they mean nothing for the plot

[jonsnowunemploymentera]

Welp ok so I generally don’t care about differing fandom opinions (unless they’re egregious misreadings specifically related to Jon Snow’s arc/character), but this article right here is absolutely BONKERS. Like in ways that I can’t even begin to explain. So the title right away is just so…

Why GRRM’s A Song of Ice and Fire is Bad Literature

Ok whatever, fantasy has traditionally had a hard time being regarded as literature. So this is nothing new. And I don’t particularly care about this argument so moving on…

I love that the first sentence is also just so factually incorrect

Nearly half a century has pasted since Billy Shakespeare has picked up his pen, and bibliophiles are still reading his plays.

Sis probably meant to say millennium but ok 😭 lowkey makes me think this is a joke but parts of this doesn’t read like that ansbjanan

And then the author proceeds to make a pretty bold claim

Traditionally, page-turners are not masterpieces. And that rule still stands when it runs by GRRM’s works. Yet legions of his fans sprout ridiculous praise, such as GRRM revolutionizing the fantasy genre and the diversity of his characters.

But…he kinda did. ASOIAF has had a great impact on the genre (good and bad). Plus, it is really important to acknowledge the sheer diversity of characters presented to us in the series. Characters who would traditionally not get the big focus that they do. Two of our main characters are disabled, and a big part of their arcs is how they navigate a world that is so horribly ableist. He upends the return of the king trope by shifting it to his sister who starts out a child bride/sex slave forced to take on the mantle of a dead dynasty. We have two female characters whose arcs revolve around how gender nonconforming they are but how they are so rooted in ideas of justice and compassion, especially towards the disenfranchised. He upends the revenge of the glorious and noble king by putting the focus on his mother. Et cetera, et cetera. Now GRRM is not without his faults (and he has many), but one cannot in good faith act like he hasn’t given us a different spin on a lot of what fantasy offers. There’s no need to be contrarian for the sake of it.

GRRM, being the revolutionary monster he is, rejects the romanticism of fantasy in favor for realism. He eschews the wonder, the ideals, the heroism, the chivalry, and the subtle social commentary. Congrats, you’re very innovative, GRRM. What did you replace them with?

I just vastly disagree with this and idk where to start.

Case in point. Throughout the series I masturbated to rape scenes, lovemaking scenes, and even a lesbian scene in which a vagina is described as a “Myrish swamp.” Yet in the aftermath of my orgasms, I was left to wonder: where’s all the pederasts? GRRM addressed this curious phenomenon by explaining none of the viewpoint characters were homosexual; “Sorry, none of the characters chose to be gay. Nothing I can do about it.”

Ok the beginning of this section is INSANE. Might just be me but idk why you would even add this to an essay that’s apparently about literary criticism. But I anyway…it is a fair critique that none of our POVs are explicitly non-heterosexual (and we can also criticize some fetishization with female-female relationships), but like the “myriad swamp” thing…isn’t it about power? Like there’s something in that scene that gives us glimpse to who Cersei is and what she craves…idk

Which goes to show, GRRM doesn’t use sex for verisimilitude; he exploits it so degenerates such as I can buy his books. Sure, heterosexual rape happens in war. So does homosexual rape, but its complete absence in the books ought to raise some eyebrows.

The second sentence makes a good point but it’s preceded by what is honestly just a mind blowing statement I- 😭

Additionally, not every graphic sex scene in the books contributes to the narrative. Sometimes it is absolutely redundant. In Dance of Dragons, Asha Greyjoy fucks Qarl the maid, which serves to… Show Asha’s feminine side? Reveal her disdain for her arranged marriage? It obviously didn’t supplement the plot; ten minutes post-coitus, a fucking battle occurs. I don’t understand why it needed to be so explicit as well. Its short appearance in the chapter was awkward, almost entirely random. Yes, sex happens in real life. That doesn’t mean portrayals of real life have to be so ridiculously pornographic.

Wait, this is satire right? Did I fall for it?

Eh, I can tolerate violence. At the age of five, I remember watching from the passenger’s seat as my dad pulverized his colleague by repeatedly smashing his head into the car’s hood and fender, spraying blood all over the windshield. But there’s a distinctive difference between sensational violence and artistic violence. Sensational violence is violence for the sake of violence, for the sole purpose of evoking shock and disgust. It’s tasteless. As bipolar as he is, even my ex-convict padre didn’t attack strangers without reason.

I’m so confused this has to be a bit, right?

No literary devices such as symbolism, metaphors, even the fucking pacing. While there is a climax, the scene does not build itself up to it: there is no intensity in the air, and time is not manipulated. Catharsis is missing, and the only feelings a reader has for Oberyn’s death is shock due to the element of hero invincibility. Don’t people get it? GRRM’s writing is boring.

One of the most confusing aspects of this scene was the death of the stableboy. It’s a great example of sensational violence, because his death seems entirely random and unnecessary. His life was so dispensable, the reader could barely register what they’re supposed to feel: sorrow, terror, or shock? What if the killed bystander was someone important? Violence for the sake of violence, and it comes off as tacky.

No way did I fall for a satirical piece on literary analysis?

This is essentially what GRRM does with Brienne of Tarth. She’s incredibly ugly and described as androgynous; her life was filled with scorn and pity for the lack of her feminine social graces, and contempt and resentment due to her violation of gender norms. But if I was a biologically female transsexual in a patriarchal medieval world, I’d have no fucking reason to dress up and act like a knight, especially if I was an aristocrat (which Brienne is). I don’t understand why Brienne couldn’t stay at Evenfall Hall and be her father’s Castellan or Captain of the Guard. She’s the only surviving child (and heir) of Lord Tarth, so I’m confused why her father would let her roam Westeros as a hedge knight. It’s also never explained why Brienne wanted to be a knight in the first place. She idealizes the concept of true knighthood but you can be just as courageous and conscientious as a lord. Brienne acts like a knight just for the purpose of being a female knight.

I feel like this is a joke 😭

If it isn’t a joke, why does it feel like the author is hating on Brienne for being a good person?

Yet readers claim Jaime Lannister underwent a character arc (approximately 3M words into ASOIAF), since he became easily likable. I personally do not believe Jaime has a redemption arc because his mindset, behavior, and opinions do not change. Jaime is still an arrogant prick, and just because he was written agreeably does not indicate his growth as a character.

I’m dying rn

What passes off as “character development” is actually “perception development.” Instead of putting effort into developing his characters, GRRM decides to warp the reader’s perceptions instead. To make Jaime a sympathetic character, GRRM develops Jaime’s backstory (completely justifying Jaime killing the Mad King) and makes Jaime’s actions more approvable (executing a rapist). The former completely nullifies Jaime’s prospective redemption arc, since it reveals that Jaime was just as “well-intentioned” in the past, and the later does not have noble intentions — as a military man, Jaime expects more discipline from his men than Ser Gregor Clegane did.

?

The way Jaime is written, however, suggests that GRRM intended to build Jaime as a flawed character who matured over the course of the story. Instead we get an impulsive character whose personal inspirations are derived on those who he associate with — Cersei in the past and now Brienne. The same Jaime who would throw Ed Stark’s son out a window for Cersei would encourage Brienne to search for Ed Stark’s daughters. Not because he feels he owes more than an apology to House Stark, but because Jaime befriends Brienne after his relationship with Cersei becomes strained. What’s worse than a misunderstood character is a a character misunderstood by its own creator.

Nah this author’s having a laugh, aren’t they? Like no way they said this with a straight face.

1. Ending a plotline at the climax only leaves the reader unsatisfied and bitter for wasting their time.

A brilliant example is Quentyn Martell, who traveled all the way to Essos to get burned by a dragon. Unlike Ned Stark’s execution and the Red Wedding, Martell’s death did not open any new plotlines. He was a POV character who is completely irrelevant to the narrative. Seriously, George… you chronicled Quentyn’s entire journey to Essos just to bring Quentyn’s two companions to Essos? What’s the fucking point? There were no new characters or locations unveiled to us throughout that entire episode, and Quentyn and his friends could have been introduced later, when they arrived in Astapor

This is a criticism I’ve seen since I joined this fandom over a decade ago. Now it’s definitely understandable to be annoyed with a cliffhanger, especially one that involves a character introduced so late isn’t he series, but there are Doylist and Watsonian reasons to Quentyn’s inclusion. His death has an impact on Dorne and Dany, plus he’s a meta deconstruction of the hero’s journey which we also see with Aegon/Young Griff (who is also, by very much on purpose introduced in the same book) and also Jon, Dany, Bran, etc. We don’t know the conclusion yet, but it’s easy to see why GRRM added Quentyn into the mix.

Writers have all the power when they weave a story, and if they thread the eye of the needle they’re expected to sew up the buttons. GRRM clearly doesn’t know how to sew, because he doesn’t know how to resolve conflicts that he has created. His solution? Kill off the characters with narratives too complex to unravel or too boring to write about. This conveniently creates a vacuum of absent characters to sew together, so when the textile inevitably becomes tangled again GRRM commits another literary genocide. Rinse and repeat.

Idk this doesn’t hold up, like at all? Name one major character killed for the sake of it? Ned is the father figure whose death is meant to push the arcs of his children. Robb’s death is meant to push those of his siblings. Now GRRM himself has stated that he regrets killing character he needed, but this seems like a bizarre criticism. It doesn’t help that the author provides no examples to back up their claim.

The repetitiveness of this ploy just demonstrates to me how GRRM cannot tell a story beginning to end, because he doesn’t have the perseverance and the patience.

Now let’s be fair (and truthful). ASOIAF is not GRRM’s first book. It’s certainly his biggest series but he has written award winning stories before, to completion.

Myrcella Baratheon: “Are you the Sword of the Morning now?” Gerold Dayne: “No. Men call me Darkstar, and I am of the night.”

I can see what GRRM is trying to accomplish, but it’s incredibly cringeworthy. Although readers can see the direct contrast between the two characters, the symbolism is not comprehendible. Hence it also sounds very stupid.

Myrcella Baratheon: “Are you a good guy?” Gerold Dayne: “Nah. Men call me epic evil badass, and I am evil.”

HELP

In On Fairy-Stories, J. R. R. Tolkien argues the fantasy genre ultimately fulfills three purposes: to challenge a reader’s perspective of his or her own world, to provide escapism from reality, and to provide moral and emotional “Consolation of the Happy Ending” which he calls eucastastrophe.

Tolkien delves into his third point more into his conclusion, where he focuses how a true representative fantasy tale is manifested by joy. This does not deny the existence of sorrow and failure. But a happy ending emphasizes the final closing in the universal outcome of the story that provides gratification and catharsis to the reader.

ASOIAF and LOTR are two different stories. Tolkien and Martin had different goals. GRRM is not trying to one up Tolkien. Not sure why this take is so pervasive but it is, and it’s annoying.

So after reading all this I have to ask, is this satire? Have I been had? I’m not on twitter so idk if people have talked about this yet but it seems so out of pocket and incorrect, like no one could’ve seriously sat down and written this with a straight face, right?